Its OK not to be OK.
As today is World Mental Health Day, I thought I would take some time to reflect and share about my recent breakup as it has taken a toll on my emotional and mental health. While everyone’s journey is different, I hope sharing my journey will help encourage you to be open about how you are feeling and for you to know that you are not alone.
There has always been a stigma about talking about mental health and sharing your true feelings, but this simply isn’t true. Everyone goes through hard times and it is ok to acknowledge feelings outside of being happy or the status quo. Personally, I hate feeling any emotion other than happiness, but sometimes you just need a good cry (or a few month’s worth) and talking to others makes such a difference.
As some of you may have seen in my prior posts, my now ex-boyfriend and I broke up this past July. Needless to say it was and still is a very hard, emotional time, I am even getting emotional as I write this.
I won’t lie, I was a MESS, a big blubbering mess - I was probably the most anti-social and more of a homebody than I had ever been in my life. I was devastated, heartbroken and crying all the time - for those of you who don’t know me, I never cry, only at sappy movies and farewells. I had thought I found my person and even considered making the big leap to move to Minneapolis where my ex lived. (I had weighed all the pros and cons, it actually made sense to move from a personal and career perspective.)
When he broke up with me out of NOWHERE, I was shocked and devastated. I felt like he had torn out my heart, threw it in the floor and curb stomped on it. I still don’t think he understand how much he hurt me. To make it worse I didn’t even get a chance to say bye to all the wonderful friends I had made there. And based on our most recent conversations, I still don’t think he even knows what he wants or why he broke up with me… (I thought about reaching out to those friends, but didn’t want to overstep or put anyone in an awkward spot, but if any of you stumble across this, don’t be a stranger!)
I am naturally a very happy, positive person, always smiling and very positive, even when I am sad. I had told some of my friends initially about the breakup, but tried to mask how upset and sad I truly was. I do not like to be sad or to bring the emotion of others down, but I would just sporadically crying, whether it was talking to friends or coworkers about it or just sitting alone in my apartment.
When asked how I was doing, I typically tell people I was OK, a step down from “good” or “great”, but I really was not OK and all I could feel the heartache and pain. I could feel that I had a different demeanor following the breakup, my smiles were not as happy and just felt like a fake act. There was an emptiness in my heart and could not reach the peaks of happiness that I had in the past, not running on a full engine. I felt like I was not being my authentic self - I was just a sad, mopey version of myself and I knew it too.
Was it ok to just say, I’m not OK, I’m sad and devastated…? The answer is YES!
At this point, I started acknowledging it a bit more and actually would apologize to my friends for being less than happy or even just bringing up the breakup to excuse why I was “off.” I even told my boss, these feelings had even effected my work personality; I was not my normal chipper self that I was known for. Everyone I apologized and/or opened up to assured me these feelings were normal, it’s OK to be sad and that they were there for me. All my friends were super supportive of me during this time, my friends tried to get me out of my apartment and my sister and cousin even sent me desserts from far away to help make me feel better. (However, I will say be aware as there were some potentially shady moments where people tried to take advantage of the situation…)
One night, I felt a physical tightness in my chest, a feeling I had never felt before. I texted some friends and they assured me it was either heartbreak and/or anxiety, which was new experience and one I did not like. However, had I not said anything, I would never know what this was.
It was at this point, I realized that this was not just impacting my emotional health, but impacting my physical health. The two were intertwined and I needed to take some action to mitigate this physical pain I was having.
Hiding my feelings was eating me up inside and nobody would never know how I am truly feeling if I didn’t speak up. I was hiding and masking my emotions, which is not healthy. Talking things through with others, even new people I had met, really helped me to process my emotions and get to a better place.
I definitely felt vulnerable opening up to friends about how I was feeling, but it helped them to better understand how I was feeling and to be able to console and/or give me some perspective.
I really want to take a moment to say thank you to all of my friends who have been a shoulder for me to cry on and/or an ear for me to speak to these past few months.
I hope sharing my journey helps you feel better and encourages you to share how you are feeling - good or bad. I’d love to hear your stories and if this has helped you.